STYLE ADVENTURE ETIQUETTE

Archive for the ‘inspiration’ Category

Jumping to Conclusions is my Favorite Type of Exercise

In Celebrity, Fashion, inspiration, Society, Style on June 7, 2013 at 1:30 pm

Bianca Miller Portrait

Once upon a not-so-long-ago time, Lady Bianca Miller found herself an agile and dexterous sprite — a paragon of feminine canine existence — boasting a panther lithe figure and a soul made of duck confit to match.  A lady of great fortune, you see, immune to the pitfalls of genetics, poor diet and minimal exercise.

Ehem.  Well truthfully — to be fair to all my mere-mortal fans, there was a moment in 2008 when the tabloids did capture my likeness from a particularly harsh angle:

5202_116064225884_5818003_n

Sunning myself in a park on the French Riviera, I’d just gone through an exceedingly strenuous split from a famous French Spaniel film director and found myself in the throes of butter, baguette and pate threesomes on a regular basis. Who could blame me?!

Following the outrageous circulation of these filthy photos, my agent Herman Tannenbaum called my publicist, Zsa Zsa, who called Christine Henderson, my nutritionist, who in turn called Ronald my personal trainer, who called Acario my manservant and personal chef — and I was immediately put on a varied diet and exercise regimen consisting of kale, quinoa, bran,  yoga, amphetamines, enzymes, interval training, green juice, and barbecued ribs.  I was back to my slender self in no time — of course still with my voluptuous curves in tact!  Why — it has been only in the past year (alas!) that Lady Bianca Miller has slowly found herself becoming victim to the awful metabolic realities of the masses.

And of course, in consideration of my high stakes modeling career, I’ve taken it upon myself and my considerable staff to get things under control before things become so wildly out of control that I should jeopardize the cushy insurance policy that covers any damage to my heavenly burrito shaped body.  All the celebrities have them for certain bits and pieces — famously Jennifer Lopez for her rear end, Angelina Jolie for those rather grotesque (and I mean this in the best way possible) lips, Tom Cruise for his for his brain (Tee hee!  Just kidding, obviously — we all know his IQ just skims above the cut off for mental retardation) — but rarely do celebrities have their entire beings insured.  And before you think me conceited, I am merely working off the advice of my countless admirers and of course my entertainment lawyer, Alan Hershkowitz.

IMG_2972

I appeared my usual self for this MoMA Design Store modeling job after being forced to subsist on sticks and coal for weeks. I assure you, dear readers, the modeling world is anything but pretty.

But alas, when I do find myself needing to gear up my exercise regimen, I refuse the big business commercial gyms — those cesspools of mediocrity and thievery — places where one might find oneself both swindled and required to mingle with commoners.  Eee Gads!

My venue of choice for sculpting my perfectly proportioned yet odd and peanut shaped body is Fifth Avenue Fitness right here in my own lovely Brooklyn neighborhood.  And I’ll tell you – though I may huff and puff, make snurfling and chortling sounds, curse the world and yearn for my mommy during a session — I truly have grown stronger both mentally and physically since I’ve put in my time there.

IMG_2754

As you can very well see, I find myself quite perturbed by the idea of the treadmill yet I understand and accept that it is of tantamount importance in order to warm up so my majestic and desirable figure can be sculpted properly.

IMG_2756

Wondering where I get my sweet biceps? Look no further.

Now far be it from me to complain — I do realize I’ve been blessed with porcelain skin, shimmering fur, perfect proportions and a neck longer in circumference than the length or height of my entire body, but, dammit, I’m going to anyway:

I absolutely, positively, certifiably deplore exercise!!!  For god’s sake  I find it absolutely abominable but unfortunately, I’ve also found as the years go by — if I want to prevent my third and fourth neck rolls (two neck rolls is a little bit sexy) from protruding — physical activity has become an absolute must.

IMG_2907

Here a dear friend convinced me to take a jazzercise class. And though I put on a brave and happy face, I am crying on the inside dear friends. Sobbing. Weeping, really.

In fact, if I am being completely honest with myself and you, my loyal fans, all I want to do is eat my body weight in bacon cheeseburgers, tater tots and oysters, drown my sorrows in Hendrick’s Gin and fun hallucinogenic drugs, nap on memory foam mattresses with intermittent visits from my masseur — and sprinkle magic fairy dust all over everything, make things look pretty, not gain a pound or get wrinkles or get old and have everyone do exactly what I say at all times and for everything to go my way AT ALL TIMES without me having to LIFT A PAW for heaven-sake is that too much to ask!!!!???!!!

IMG_2936

I’m not as comfortable and relaxed here as I’d like to be ideally, but you get the idea of what I’m going for.

And now I feel I should apologize for that little temper tantrum, dear friends.  Admittedly, you have caught me in the midst of a bit of an existential meltdown.  See, when faced with one’s own mortality sometimes…well…one begins to realize that life is short and death is scary and being is difficult.  And I suppose that is the paradox of the Canine Condition — that we all strive for perfection in life — and in the process, destroy the essence of life itself.

And so, when one thinks, when one concludes (and as I’ve mentioned – jumping to conclusions is my favorite type of exercise – so in no way am I attempting to judge you for doing the same) that a nearly perfect being as myself — that my existence seems so effortless…well, think again.  Though I am skilled at making life look stunning on the outside, things on the interior are quite tender and do crumble quite easily when pushed too hard from above.

IMG_2884

Sometimes when reality becomes too much, I gather some friends and we play an absurd little game called “Down the Rabbit Hole,” or we hold an Un-birthday party where we minimize icky realistic life responsibilities and exalt indulgences and extravagancies.  Ooooo, so fun.

And so, I pull up my proverbial socks and march on (don’t worry, I’d never be caught dead in those vulgar little socks that chihuahuas and the like tend to wear) — I continue on with this paradoxical struggle…the one which so often eludes us creatures of higher intelligence — the struggle in which youth and maturity, recreation and health, extravagance and discipline seem simultaneously so diametrically opposed.  When in fact, it is all really and always has been — a child’s game.  This is it — the see-saw of life, the roller coaster — whatever you want to call it,  and it doesn’t change.  It charges along ceaselessly into the horizon, the dust from the road rising in its wake — and it doesn’t stop or wait for anyone.  One has to get off the ride oneself and take a turn out.

And with that in mind, my dear friends, I think I’ll go spend the afternoon drinking sidecars, eating caviar and canoodling with a very young and handsome but simple-minded Rhodesian Ridgeback.  Because tomorrow is a new day, and I just don’t know what kind of (and please pardon my Swiss finishing school manners here) m*^&ther f*%^*cking bullish&^%t it might hold.

Existentially yours,

Lady Bianca Miller

A Mushroom of One’s Own: The Bitch Bench of Bergen Street Style IV

In Adventure, Dining, Etiquette, inspiration on January 23, 2013 at 4:20 pm

Welcome back, dear readers, to The Bitch Bench of Bergen Street Style.  This little section — why I like to think of it as my gift back to the community, an ode to my customers.

Lord knows everyone is always admiring Lady Bianca for this and that — my flawless porcelain skin, my voluptuous yet sleek peanut shaped body, the sheen of the hair between my toes…my razor sharp wit…why the list just goes shamelessly on and on!  And though forever appreciative of the constant adoration bestowed upon me by my fans, visitors to my shop, and random passerby on the street, it really does get tiresome, indeed, when I feel I am not getting a chance to be gracious and reciprocate compliments to others.

So it is with great relief that, in this little column, I get to point out and admire the stylistic triumphs of my dear fans and customers and engage them in interview — my attempt to better know the darlings!  This week, I interviewed the etherial and adventurous Francis Lin.  Ms Lin is my kind of gal.

While Frances pulls off this fabulous oversize parka in one of my favorite classic fashion colors (mustard) this is a look that eludes me, due to my heavenly curves.

Frances, what is your occupation?

I’m an emergency medical physician and also a medical toxicologist, however I’m taking a couple of years off to pursue what I’ve always wanted to do which is to write and create, and it’s been a very interesting journey; 2012 was the year of the fire dragon, which I am, as well as an Aries, so fire and fire. But it’s been a great year. A hard year, giving up a lot of job offers to do something that a lot of people were like, “hmmm…”

Change is always a good thing!  Eventually.  Sort of like the week I was so disappointed Fleisher’s ran out of Hot Italian Pork Sausage and I had get the Lamb Merguez.  I nearly had a horrific temper tantrum (my signature move is to fling my body on the floor and bite my paw) right then and there.  But after all that, the Lamb Merguez ended up being a new favorite!

Yes.  The change opened my world and my consciousness, my awareness to my surroundings so much more.

Regarding your current surroundings, what brings you to Bergen Street today?

I just wrote my first book (Whims and Woes), and I’m dropping off a few copies to Bergen Comics and I’m also going to go to Green Light. The book follows a character named Saro, who always finds the whimsical in the woe.

Imagine that!  Why, of course, that’s what Lady Bianca attempts to do in life – find the whim in the woe.  Speaking of whimsical, what did you buy at my dear little shop today?

I just bought this gorgeous dress [by Eva Franco] that has a little pouf and makes me feel like a princess, and it’s a great party dress.  I’d also been dreaming about this Soaked Earth fragrance [by CB I Hate Perfume] for a while, but I hadn’t had time to stop in. It smells like I’ve been digging in the soil for mushrooms, and I just love mushrooms. I guess it’s my Sunday church, going near the woods and digging for mushrooms and going to Central Park and finding mushrooms there too.

I, too, like to forage!  Now that we’re getting all these hurricanes and such here in New York, there has been a huge surge in the numbers, size and types of mushrooms we’re seeing all over the city.  It used to be, I’d only go foraging for mushrooms at my country estate in Connecticut.  I was constantly on the hunt for hen-of-the-woods mushrooms and, of course, chicken poop.  The groundskeeper, not understanding that chicken poop is a delicacy in more highly civilized countries like mine, scolded me after finding me in some remote brush with a mouth full.  The Neanderthal brute!  I’ll have his job for that!  

I found a mushroom as big as your heavenly body, Bianca, and I was carrying it on a stick like a hobo, walking through a book store on Madison Avenue of all places.  But because of that they didn’t forget me, so I’m also selling some books up there.

That description just became an absolutely gorgeous image in my head!  And on the subject of beauty, when do you feel the most beautiful?

When I’m completely alive and aware and engaged with the world, and it doesn’t matter who you are or what you look like; somebody has a connection with you, talking to people and having common interests, that’s when I think the world is beautiful and everybody is beautiful, it’s not about how you look. For a while I was so zombified, not sleeping, and only taking care of other people but not myself, and now that I’m writing I’m doing healing in a different way. I don’t think medicine is the only way to heal.

I think that’s very wise indeed.  Just like, school is only one way to get an education, and money can’t buy happiness…or taste, or style.  Do you have any style icons?

Oh gosh, I’m like worst person to ask this. I don’t know any pop culture, I’m like in my own world with mushrooms. I create my own world and my character is from a different planet that landed on earth, so…

Well for crying out loud — me neither!  But the universe itself, of course, is a heavenly style icon!  I, too, often feel as if I have landed upon this earth from somewhere else…that I am living in some strange space-time continuum.  I’d always attributed that somewhat to my extensive recreational drug use (I found hallucinogenic mushrooms wonderful as they are grown in poop, giving me the best of both worlds!) …or perhaps just to life in New York City.  If you didn’t live in New York City, where would you want to live?
Where wouldn’t I want to live? Actually, I’d want to live on a boat because then I could sail across the world and stop at ports and just live at a bare minimum, using solar energy and wind power to cook. Basically just cut off 99% of it… but I’d still have my Soaked Earth!

One has to have one’s indulgences.  For me I must have my gold leaf and caviar encrusted Kobe beef at least once a week or I become absolutely feeble and can barely speak or move.  If  in your next life you were to return as an animal, which would you want to be? (I dare say it would not be a Tajima cow.)  

I would like to be a phoenix!

Rising from the ashes is always a good look.

…or a dodo bird. They’re extinct now, but they were kind of whimsical and the story behind them is rather interesting. They were from the island of Mauritius, and they’d had no contact with humans so when humans came they had no defense mechanisms. The humans discovered that if they fed the birds rocks they would become really jagged so that they could sharpen their knives on them, but that wasn’t good for the dodo birds. The poor dodo birds!

What an untimely demise. I certainly would not care to ingest any rocks myself.  I tried it once, and my parapsychologist said it did not suit the hue of my aura which is an incredible deep blue, like my blood.  What color is your aura?
Oooh… it depends. Today I think it’s green and red and brown, mixed in with white, because I feel that I’m seeing time interweaving because we had autumn here and the old autumn leaves are mixing with the snow in the air. They are meeting for the first time but they’re not supposed to be meeting!

Award to the wise

In Celebrity, Etiquette, Fashion, inspiration, Wisdom on January 16, 2013 at 8:42 am

b_thumbnail_v2

Darlings, award season is upon us once more. To me, this means taking on a brutal schedule of gown fittings, red carpets and all night parties, set against a backdrop of mildly threatening fan mobs. My thoughts, as always, are of style and etiquette but with the added concern of seating plans. A time for revelry, yes, but also a time for furious networking and the striking of deals.

Which is why I was somewhat aghast to overhear some of our city’s young ones declare their desire to become famous with the singular aim of walking red carpets at these events. If ever a cart was before a horse, a “c” before an “i” or a chaser before a shot, this took the dog biscuit. Yet, rather than succumbing to the twin aging culprits of dismay or disdain, I chose instead to practice compassion. It is with this higher purpose my dear friends, that I wish to offer this simple instructional guide on how not to become a fame hungry troll.

I shall begin be dispelling some of the common misconceptions our youth have about the path to fame and fortune:

No. 1. Oversharing your private life
 
98094098104378043_z079kIUJ_f
Yes, you may have the right to freedom of speech, but dare I suggest that airing your every gesture and utterance in the public domain was not at the what dear Mr Madison had in mind when drafting the First Amendment?

No. 2. Performing lewd acts
 
98094098104157885_YcC53LIw_f
Just because someone in the public eye made a lot of money subsequent to demeaning themselves on the internet, doesn’t mean you ought to do the same. Showgirls was not an instructional video.

No. 3. Denying your better judgement
 
98094098103986276_ryfLIc4f_f
There will always be some foolish guttersnipe who will encourage you to disregard your gut instinct with the assurance that what you’re about to do ‘will go viral’. Observe this unfortunate fellow, embarrassing himself on a clearly unmatched pony, without the suitable attire. If you find yourself making a similarly perturbed facial expression, cease and desist your activities there and then.

No. 4. Weilding your children like trophies
 
24fa5843a86c0f25588d10a9b2bdf67fb966ba1b_m_large
An armful of Grammies is impressive and newsworthy. An armful of teething and bewildered younglings is not.

No. 4. Waiting for something to happen
 
98094098103807503_VqwUNpZd_f
Make no mistake that luck, happenstance and serendipity play a large role in all walks of life. It is indeed possible to be talented and hardworking and not to ‘make it’. Such is life. But hear this, you must still work hard, stay focused and develop your talent. Even if this doesn’t land you a prime time show, you will be far wealthier in spirit – and in my esteem.

With the greatest respect,

Bianca

The Bitch Bench of Bergen Street Style: Part I

In Adventure, Etiquette, Fashion, inspiration, Style on July 16, 2012 at 1:58 pm

My fond admirers,

You may have read my recent post entitled The Lady (Bianca) Repeller: The Turd for Shoe.  It’s a revolutionary and important dissertation in which I decry “The Turd for Shoe” which I deftly define as the following:

“The Turd for Shoe is an inexplicable phenomena that begins to happen (usually early in male development) when at some point, man decides — WHY put your ENTIRE foot into a shoe (this might entail actually bending down, or perhaps some movement using arm strength and/or hand mobility) when, with one swift movement, one can merely SLIP one’s foot into a large, soft, brown, structureless TURD and then proceed to walk around like that, just living life.”

Well my fine friends, in addition to pointing out some flagrant abominations on the part of the human (particularly of the male persuasion) in making some gross errors when considering how to ornament oneself, I felt it prudent to lend my critical and adroit eye in pointing out creatures who have attained a level of lovely sartorial inclination.

And so, without further much ado about nothing, I would like to present my first in a series presented by yours truly entitled: “The Bitch Bench of Bergen Street Style.”  The Bitch Bench of Bergen Street, I should point out, is a dear little bench that sits outside Eponymy.  The bench exists, ostensibly, to provide an area for passerby and bored husbands of female shoppers to sit (preferably good-naturedly and not talking loudly on cell phones, chain-smoking or starting rubbish piles, ehem) while they wait for their loved ones.  In actuality, The Bitch Bench of Bergen Street is a platform which allows for myself and Eponymy staff and friends to both release anxieties among each other, and to gather inspiration from passerby.

In this series I choose a customer from my dear store who has somehow caught my eye and inspired me aesthetically, take a quick photo and I ask them a few questions in order to give the photograph a little flavor (I tend to veer towards lamb but everyone is different).  And so, without further hesitation, I present to you our first profile in this series.  And many, many thanks to Jillian, our lovely and gracious first subject for her willingness to participate and for her patience.

I adored how simple and lovely Jillian looked even in the vile heat and humidity of the day. She took a classic, basic look but added an unexpected twist by pairing a white tee and pink skirt with orange and yellow accessories. Nothing is either ostentatious nor matchy-matchy but it’s also not predictable. Oh, and I don’t know if you can see from here, but her toenails are painted a gorgeous 1950s kitchen appliance mint color. Brava Jillian.

Name: Jillian

Occupation: Producer

What she bought at Eponymy:  Cropped beige and white ikat AG Jeans, cream mesh detailed Mink Pink shorts.

What brings you to Bergen Street today? We were eating lunch at Sun in Bloom!  It was really good.

Are you pro or anti pickle?  pro pickle

Describe one of your most bizarre NYC experiences or sightings:

Oh jeeze.  There have been so many it’s difficult to narrow it down.  Well, I’ll give you one of the most recent.  The other day I saw a woman on the corner who was so strung out she had completely lost all sense of depth perception (and I’m sure other things) and so she was trying to drink a Mc Flurry that was melting rapidly because it was so hot outside but she was holding it at arms distance away and trying drink it from there and she just couldn’t quite figure out how to make it work – how to get the cup to her mouth so she could drink.  Very odd sight.

And there you have our first “Bitch Bench of Bergen Street Style” edition.  Until next time my dear fans,

Bianca Miller

Dia Bacon

In inspiration, Society, Uncategorized on April 22, 2012 at 7:24 am

Darling ones,

You’ve been wondering what I’ve been up to…I know, I know!  I simply had to get away at once and spend some time on sabbatical from the New York party scene.  I tell you I was simply on the verge of completely falling apart at the seams if you will…(tee hee!  that’s a little sartorial joke).  Evenings of foie gras and champagne may seem glamorous, but it will certainly take it’s toll…this my dear friends, is a cautionary tale…

Quite irritato upon arriving at my little country estate. In The Great Hall, darlings. Just simply pooped from my travels!

Entertaining is no laughing matter! It is simply exhausting and country folk can be just as challenging as New Yorkers...here you can see I actually had to drink myself under the table, just to cope.

...spent some time in the foyer contemplating the existence of the American Dream, the arbitrariness of fate, the merits of the Keilbasa over the Weisswurst....

...found myself in the kitchen snacking more than I had intended...I blame it on that fresh country air. Thoughts of smoked bacon haunted my mind...

As you can see it's virtually impossible for me to get ANY privacy these days!

Waiting anxiously to be served my afternoon tea in the sun room...it really IS impossible to find good help...particularly in the country...

I'd heard wonderful things about the museum but was disappointed to find NONE of the art work had actually anything to do with Bacon. Shame! If I hadn't been trying to unwind from my grueling work life, I would have called Consumer Affairs immediately!

I took many an afternoon constitutional...this particular day I was accompanied by one of my many gentleman callers...

...the great outdoors can be so inspirational...and a wonderful place to poop in private!

....spent a great deal of time curled up in the library with a Trollope novel, trying to regain brain cells lost on New Year's eve..."The Way We Live Now" is a wonderful read and makes a fantastic doorstop once finished! I simply adore duality in purpose.

...an hour of yoga a day helps to relax tension in my odd yet gloriously shaped body...

...attempted transcendental meditation in the sitting room with White Owl but for crying out loud, it is just so stressful! I had to chase each session with a large dry gin martini, three olives.

...took to resting in the upstairs hall before dinner time...

...washing up before bedtime in the master bath....you can see how historic preservation runs in my blood. How could anyone think of getting rid of such fabulous 1940s wallpaper?

....I finally get to retire after a grueling day of attempting to relax...

And there folks, you have it…If, like me, you work too hard — you may find yourself having to take a trip to the country for relaxation and inspiration.  And as you can see from this photo journey, attempting to relax can be very stressful indeed!

Trancendentally yours,
Bianca Miller

Behind Enemy Lines

In inspiration on November 2, 2011 at 10:01 am

It seems these days there comes a time in every successful woman’s life when scrutiny shifts away from her achievements and towards her changing outward appearance.

Never is this more true than in the case where the woman in question’s very success gives rise to envy and malice in the hearts of the less kind.

None of this is news you might say but to me it bears repeating and for this my reasons are manifold. Firstly, ignoring this sorry state of affairs is tantamount to acceptance, something I will not grant. Secondly, these days more than ever should we not be pulling together and not apart?

Ultimately however, I feel moved to share my thoughts on the subject because of the truly disturbing trend of so called cosmetic procedures undertaken by young, fabulous creatures by way of addressing this cruel and pervasive atmosphere of judgement.

I understand those in the gutterpress will have you believe it is the very youngest of the career driven of our generation who are succumbing to pressure. Poppycock, I had insisted. How ridiculous. Next they’ll have us believe the derivatives market was a good idea after all and that leggings are a right and not a privilege!

But how wrong I was. Imagine my horror when none other than yours truly became the subject of such vicious harassment.

There I was, enjoying myself at a casual get together with some friends and acquaintances when it was suggested I “do something” about the lines on my face!

Not only that but before I realized what was happening, one of the heinous fiends had the gall to reach out, grab my delicate ears and push them back to demonstrate the effect of “a little work”.

If you can pardon the brief lapse in my Swiss finishing school manners: what the f*^#^%{#*ing God forsaken f$>%#{~£* did that $>£* think she was doing?

And of course, my ever present nemesis although not present, somehow got wind of this and managed to bribe the evening’s photographer to hand over a snapshot of the incident. Last time I hire that miscreant, let me tell you.

And so all that’s left for me to do is to warn, nay beseech all the young, ambitious and stylish beauties out there who look to me for guidance and inspiration. Be true to yourselves ladies, wear your beauty and your success proudly, at any age and any stage. And don’t let the b>^*#~>£* get you down to the plastic surgeon’s office.

Yours with pride,

Bianca Miller

%d bloggers like this: