Archive for April, 2012|Monthly archive page

The Lady (Bianca) Repeller: The Turd for Shoe

In Etiquette, Fashion, Society, Style on April 30, 2012 at 12:10 pm

My darling dearests,

As I’m sure you are well aware, I’ve been in the tabloids yet again this week!!  But WAIT.  Before you all lament my mishandling and have to retreat to the couch in despair, placing cold compresses across your brow while you limply watch honeybooboochild on repeat just to kill brain cells and numb your senses…Stop!  Because we can thank goodness gracious that this time around, the article is a simply DARLING little write up about yours truly!

The article actually exalts my innumerable merits and talents instead of slandering my good name by suggesting that I “was seen on my back under a tree at Prospect Park in the presence of a handsome Rottweiler.”  Good grief, enough with all of that nonsense!

And so moving right along, you can have a read about me here on Racked NY…a positively delightful website, clearly contributed to by a team of highly evolved beings who truly appreciate beauty, grace, style and intelligence when they see it…

Obviously, like any proper gentlewoman, I save my boa for special occasions like lying out on the front door mat, soliciting attention from passer by. Confound it! This is NOT a house of ill repute, I say.

AND since we have got on the topic of style, I want to introduce a brand new section of my little blog I like to call “The Lady (Bianca) Repeller.”  It is an homage to another, simply fantastic little site entitled The Man Repeller, which showcases things women love to wear that, for SOME unimaginable reason, repel men.

For instance…clothing items that make a perfectly attractive young woman look like she’s taken a 40 lb dump in her pants and has decided to keep walking around with it in there instead of doing away with it behind a parked car or some shrubs the way I do.

Lovely smile, but I would suggest she save the plastic bags she gets after grocery shopping instead of leaving that whole dump in the pants situation untended to. Eeee Gads!

And I suppose while we are on the (very vexing to a lady indeed!) topic of scatology, I’ve decided I should enlighten my gentlemen readers and fans with a little section that highlights a few of man’s favorite things to wear when  HE is repelling members of the opposite sex.  WHY there couldn’t be a better example to start off with than the age-old example of The Turd for Shoe.

The Turd for Shoe is an inexplicable phenomena that begins to happen (usually early in male development) when at some point, man decides — WHY put your ENTIRE foot into a shoe (this might entail actually bending down, or perhaps some movement using arm strength and/or hand mobility) when, with one swift movement, one can merely SLIP one’s foot into a large, soft, brown, structureless TURD and then proceed to walk around like that, just living life.

Exhibit A. One of the most primitive forms of the Turd for Shoe, this beauty by Birkenstock now actually pales in comparison to many of the newer fandangled Turds that have burst onto The Turd for Shoe scene.

Exhibit B: Dear Fancy Jesus! I call these ones the Steamy Turds for Shoes -- these actually have ventilation holes in them, that way if your feet get hot inside your turds (which they probably will since we've all seen a steaming turd and can assume -- by subjecting it to analytical tests and water displacement theory -- that it is hot) there are little open windows for a passing breeze to ease on through.

Exhibit C. The Ugg Turd. Don't wear these while you wave your hands in the air like you just don't care and overbite your bottom lip, because I can already tell that you care deeply. Particularly since it's pretty warm out and I see you in a short sleeved shirt. BUT wait. Is that a winter hat I see on your head? I think it is, and I think that hat may be any of the following: a beanie with stripes on it, a bomber or sherpa hat involving earflaps and/or a snowflake/ nordic animal/ pseudo ethnic pattern, or finally, a hat with ears or balls on it that is truly meant for a child. Shame!

Exhibit D. Sketchers now makes The Turd for Shoe as well, in case you wish to get fancy-pants with seaming. I like to call this particular model "The Cleveland Seamer" because of the much ado about all those superfluous seams and the extra benefit of a SIMULTANEOUSLY slightly squared AND rounded toe Turd.

And there, my friends…you have it.  While there are many, many, many more examples I could highlight in this post — of the atrocities against woman kind that The Turd for Shoe has committed — I do not like tears, particularly not my own.  And so I’ll bid you “Adieu” until next time.

Repellantly yours,

Lady Bianca Miller


Dia Bacon

In inspiration, Society, Uncategorized on April 22, 2012 at 7:24 am

Darling ones,

You’ve been wondering what I’ve been up to…I know, I know!  I simply had to get away at once and spend some time on sabbatical from the New York party scene.  I tell you I was simply on the verge of completely falling apart at the seams if you will…(tee hee!  that’s a little sartorial joke).  Evenings of foie gras and champagne may seem glamorous, but it will certainly take it’s toll…this my dear friends, is a cautionary tale…

Quite irritato upon arriving at my little country estate. In The Great Hall, darlings. Just simply pooped from my travels!

Entertaining is no laughing matter! It is simply exhausting and country folk can be just as challenging as New you can see I actually had to drink myself under the table, just to cope.

...spent some time in the foyer contemplating the existence of the American Dream, the arbitrariness of fate, the merits of the Keilbasa over the Weisswurst....

...found myself in the kitchen snacking more than I had intended...I blame it on that fresh country air. Thoughts of smoked bacon haunted my mind...

As you can see it's virtually impossible for me to get ANY privacy these days!

Waiting anxiously to be served my afternoon tea in the sun really IS impossible to find good help...particularly in the country...

I'd heard wonderful things about the museum but was disappointed to find NONE of the art work had actually anything to do with Bacon. Shame! If I hadn't been trying to unwind from my grueling work life, I would have called Consumer Affairs immediately!

I took many an afternoon constitutional...this particular day I was accompanied by one of my many gentleman callers...

...the great outdoors can be so inspirational...and a wonderful place to poop in private!

....spent a great deal of time curled up in the library with a Trollope novel, trying to regain brain cells lost on New Year's eve..."The Way We Live Now" is a wonderful read and makes a fantastic doorstop once finished! I simply adore duality in purpose. hour of yoga a day helps to relax tension in my odd yet gloriously shaped body...

...attempted transcendental meditation in the sitting room with White Owl but for crying out loud, it is just so stressful! I had to chase each session with a large dry gin martini, three olives.

...took to resting in the upstairs hall before dinner time...

...washing up before bedtime in the master can see how historic preservation runs in my blood. How could anyone think of getting rid of such fabulous 1940s wallpaper?

....I finally get to retire after a grueling day of attempting to relax...

And there folks, you have it…If, like me, you work too hard — you may find yourself having to take a trip to the country for relaxation and inspiration.  And as you can see from this photo journey, attempting to relax can be very stressful indeed!

Trancendentally yours,
Bianca Miller

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