Archive for October, 2012|Monthly archive page

The Bitch Bench of Bergen Street Style: Part II

In Uncategorized on October 4, 2012 at 9:40 am

My darlingest  readers,

It occurred to me, some days later, that my previous and lengthy dissertation on The Holy Mandal Trinity,  may have left some of my much appreciated fans feeling a bit overwhelmed — that it was a rather dense and intimidating read.  Why of course my darlings!  Let not the fault lie within your minds — rather, fault this Whurld we live in.  This crazy mixed up Whurld!  You know I’ve always blamed the blasted internet and the rise of social media for the decline of literacy, human intimacy and communication.  Why even I find it rather difficult to pick up an actual book myself these days.  Of course I have Acario, my manservant, do that!

Leastwise, for my readers who have trouble with those pesky wordy things, I’ll just share a quick quote from my former dissertation that should to catch you up to date and lead you seamlessly (tee hee!) into my next sartorial exposition:

“To give my dear readers a brief historical background, The Holy Mandal Trinity dates back to ancient times — the Greco-Persian Wars — when people fought racist battles, believed in religious fairy-tales and #&$@%$#ed their siblings.  Kind of like our modern-day Teapartiers!  The flip-flop, the Jesus Mandal and the Teva are the three major strains that make up The Holy Mandal Trinity – a trifecta that terrorizes billions upon billions of human beings each summer, all over the globe.”

Now, as I explained in the former section of The Bitch Bench of Bergen Street Style, although part of my duty as a Lady of the Whurld and an arbiter of style is to decry and point out blasphemous wrongdoings in all areas of decorum — it is also important to exalt those who have added a touch of grace to this sometimes wretched earth we walk.  In part II of this series I decided to interview the lovely Susan:

What really caught my eye was Susan’s necklace – apparently a find from designer Julie Haus. Will have to look her up for my darling little shop! I admire how Susan let the necklace play center stage and how everything else was quite simple.  Speaking of center stage, it really can be quite difficult for others not to be completely overpowered by my photographic presence – my delicate porcelain skin really just loves the camera, but Susan has held her own here. Well done, Susan!

Hello Susan, what is your occupation?  I am a voice coach and actress.

And what brings you here to Bergen Street?  I came to your little shop to find my friend Emily a birthday present.  That should reveal to people who know Emily, exactly how much of a procrastinator you really are.  I did end up finding Emily a fabulous present!

I am a procrastinator, but I’m working on that.  And on being more consistent with writing this blog and a million other things.  Oh!  So you know Emily!  How?  Well Emily and I worked on this lovely little film together called Like the Water and now she’s started this lovely organization Seed and Spark that is a platform for independent filmmakers and kind of a genius idea.

That was a really contrived and obvious shameless plug for one of our mutual friends.  Yes.  Yes it was.  But the plug is well deserved.

Obviously.  I wouldn’t hobnob around with malcontents and vagrants.  Shall we get on with the Bitch Bench of Bergen Street Style interview?  Sure.  I just want to point out though that you really just did all the plugging yourself and added all of that into the interview like two months later, including this part.

I know, I know.  I’m not perfect.  I try to make everything look perfect on the outside but inside sometimes I feel like a complete disaster.  Damnit Susan!  See, now you’re actually just having a conversation with yourself.  You should get on with the real part of the interview.

Ok then. Ehem.  How does it make you feel when you see a man wearing flip-flops?  Um, in the city? Disgust.  Only acceptable on the beach.

And what if said man is wearing pants with the flip-flops?  Um, then I know what his political affiliation is.  Which is not good.

That was kind of right on, Susan!  Witty girl.  You really should go back and read my entire dissertation on the Holy Mandal Trilogy.  I think we might be kindred spirits, here.  Does everything happen for a reason?  Absolutely, especially today I have no doubt about that whatsoever.

And finally, are you pro or anti pickle?  Completely depends on my mood.  On a bad day, I do love me a good pickle.

That is so odd, Susan.  Unless that was some type of crazy reverse psychology word play, this completely blows mind and might be kind of a life changer for me.  I’ve never met a middle of the road, on/off pickle person.  People are either pro or anti pickle.  You are a complicated woman, Susan.  I like that.



The Lady (Bianca Miller) Repeller: The Holy Mandal Trinity

In Society on October 1, 2012 at 9:58 am

As September passes us by, the natives of this wonderful little city of ours can often be found wistfully gazing into the rising dust left in the wake of summer’s rapid departure.  No more sunny afternoons in the park.  No more long weekends at the shore.  No more salty caramel bacon rosemary encrusted lamb kabob ice cream sourced from a local, organic, artisanal stationary bicycle-powered creamery/goat farm located on the roof of a Crown Heights brownstone.

But it’s not all tears for Lady Bianca Miller.  Heavens no!  Once the scathing traumas, laid to rest with the fading sunsets of summer, are pieced apart — one can attempt (feebly attempt!) to make sense of the violent, horrid and dreadful global devastation caused by what we now know of as: The Holy Mandal Trinity.  It is now, and only now, that we may join the fine people of this city and begin to take comfort in the return of the cold weather.

To give my dear readers a brief historical background, The Holy Mandal Trinity dates back to ancient times — the Greco-Persian Wars — when people fought racist battles, believed in religious fairy-tales and #&$@%$#ed their siblings.  Kind of like our modern-day Teapartiers!  The flip-flop, the Jesus Mandal and the Teva are the three major strains that make up The Holy Mandal Trinity – a trifecta that terrorizes billions upon billions of human beings each summer, all over the globe.

I trust, my faithful readers, that you have all read my former dissertation on The Turd for Shoe, and had some time to digest it (oh god I know, vulgar (just foul!) but when speaking on a topic so utterly disturbing as The Holy Mandal Trinity, even a lady must sometimes use graphic wordplay).  And so I feel it is time, only now that the cool Canadian breezes are gently moving south, to uncover to my readers the dark, depraved and twisted world of The Holy Mandal Trinity.  I shall start by dissecting the seedy underbelly of the basic flip-flop:

Though not the most primitive form of the Mandal, the flip-flop is definitely the most prolific and permeating member of The Holy Mandal Trinity to this day. Although the original intended use of the flip-flop, even in ancient times, was casual — modern-day miscreants have extended the use to prevail outside of beaches, communal showers and nail salons.

The rise of the flip-flop, outside of purely casual function, has a direct correlation with the rise of certain foot auto-immunodeficiency diseases, rapid gag-reflex statistical increases, and a general rise in the dissolution of humanity and culture.  Several flip-flop strain mutations have brought about a sudden rise in the potency and immorality of the practice itself of wearing flip-flops — in no particular order: flip-flops on men, flip-flops with pants, flip-flops on men with pants, flip-flops with socks, and finally, the abominable platform flip-flop.

Man with pant and flip-flop.

Flip-flop with particularly horrific toe-sock combination.

Probable Russian prostitute modeling heinous platform flip-flop.

Another dangerous strain within The Holy Mandal Trinity is the Jesus Mandal.  The Jesus Mandal’s devastating effect can be felt the world over and comes in many horrifying forms:

The classic Jesus Mandal with toe over bite.

The platform Doc Marten Jesus Mandal: often observed in its native habitat, the Celtic wares and crushed velvet corset stand at Renaissance Fayres across the globe.

The sock with Mandal double team.

And finally, the aggrandizement of the Teva economy has had a particularly disfiguring effect on the face of humankind.  In the early 1990s, the industrialization of the hiking Mandal industry lead to a rise in the technological techniques developed to cradle and pamper mans foot, while causing vast numbers of innocent bystanders to plunge directly into the abyss of complete toxic shock.  By the mid-nineties, notwithstanding the massive number of calls to consumer affairs, a one million person strong class-action suit in federal court and a recall of certain lethally defective Mandals, stores like EMS and REI would still not cease from stocking multiple Mandal strains which they both legally and illegitimately supplied to freelance journalists, lesbians, bird-watchers and Everymen around the globe.

The highly evolved and dangerous Teva.

So I leave you, dear readers with one question, a question that plagues me like a Herodotean tale as old as time: if we are going to live this ghastly existence we have come to call life, why not make it beautiful?  Why tarnish the face of the globe and of humanity by propagating the rise of The Holy Mandal Trinity?  But then again, to further ponder and counter the point: if depravity and ugliness in the world don’t exist, can beauty?  Without the existence of The Holy Mandal Trinity to starkly contrast all that is lovely, what measure of beauty can we possibly have?

So hats off, or shoes off I should say (tee hee!) to all you card-carrying members of The Holy Mandal Trinity, to be brave enough to walk this crazy mixed-up earth of ours ornamented in the various abominations that The Trinity has mercilessly thrust upon humankind.  You Mandal wearers certainly are, like myself, a rare breed; just unfortunately, not rare enough.

Regally yours,

Lady Bianca Miller

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